u doing u

Early on when I was going to break it off after the first time I was subjected to the silent treatment, but she is so good at what she does, and in truth I wanted so much for it to work out. In my defense friends, if you read my last submission, an email I sent almost exactly 1 month to the day after discard, I'm obviously writing to a narcissist, and I can see in looking back over that email, and many others, which I will post here soon, I'm just as obviously writing to the sociopath version of narcissist, boy can I pick em, or what? Or I guess I should say, boy can she, rather "it" pick em!

In any case this is a poem/song/rap if yHosted from BlogSpotou prefer; Well, flow is what I do with it anyway, but the title of the piece is based on something she said on this day when I was ending he relationship, about 3 months or so into it, and she put some God said thing together in her mind; "I think God in His infinite wisdom knows what's best for me, and He says it's you, so are you willing?" is what she said.

We exchanged a few more words, where I asked her; "How do you know it's me, have you asked?" Made sense to me, but she said I don't have to ask, I can tell.  Here, this is easier...

What she is actually doing here, is wanting me to be responsible for her libido, and not have any sex drive myself, which simply isn't me, nor would I ever want it to be, and she goes on to say; "It doesn't seem I'm worth it." I then say; Guilt trip now, huh? She replies; "No guilt trip, you do you." That is where  this rhyme originated.. As usual I welcome feedback, and constructive criticism, and remember the whole reason this blog exists, is for you, the readers/followers to judge, and decide for yourselves, is she, or is she not a narcissistic sociopath/malignant narcissist?

Well, check it out, and I'll have the audio with beat track, and me doing my thing sometime today, when either Facebook recorder finishes uploading it, or when I record it again, but sometime today, that I can almost guarantee.

u Do you

you infiltrated my life, just to rape my mind, you never cared, were just killing time, bored and relentless are 2 words to describe, what you portray as lonely and passionate, as you cover up your lies.
Desperate and seeking, sneaking around and fleecing, church folk for their sympathy, acting broken and obsequiously, you hooked them, with your tendrils of feigned compassion, but inside the lashing you've kept pent up, against yourself,
but you'll not feel a single blow. Rather, you'll slather up the names of those who've loved u, and all you'll ever know.
Leave them aching and breaking, quaking in despair, but you don't care, this is just what you do. Slip a lip, displace a hip, make chips and dip, call it a meal, they get their fill, though you promised a perfectly prepared entree, but perhaps on another day, is what you say,
and never come through, but hey, that's just you, being you.
Yeah, that's just you doing you.
Seduction is all you know to gain control, and you do it very well, this hell you subject them to, but hey, that's just you doing you.

Lies, manipulation, double standards, triangulation, monogamy is what you preach, but threesomes and orgies is what you seek.
Never without an answer, to the questions you're always asked, and never without a reason, your answers are always masked, shrouded in confusion, as to how, who, where, what, why, and when, and somehow my conversation becomes a game,you must win.
All of that, like you is behind me now, yet somehow you keep me holding on, and it's so wrong, because I don't like you, don't want to fight you, excite, delight, entice, advise, excise, exorcise u

That's about the depth you've left, I'm bereft, and longing for any open door leading in the opposite direction, from the projection, deflection, insurrection, deception, and cruel intentions, others find it so hard to believe could be the heart of your existence,
but once beyond the wall of cognitive dissonance, it's inevitable you're seen as the mean, vile serpentine, devils wing, you take flight through the night just to fight to keep upright the mask concealing who I've been dealing, with in frustration,

but you hold answers, incredulous intentional disasters, all by your hand, not by chance or accident, but through malice, and malevolence, you twist words, and warp minds, once again just killing time, for spite, no it's all in fun, for you most definitely, but you're the only one.

The only one who gets to smile, gets to laugh, all the while the truth inside you, eventually shows, the contempt, and self loathing you must impose, upon others, to their harm, whatever happened to the charm, ur smile feigning true, as a grimace follows, seen only by few, the pain so deep, but ur too numb, to comprehend the plight of some,

not some but all, you've inflated, deflated, incensed, entrenched, enmeshed, obsessed, all this, and for what, just a slut, a facade, a trick deck of cards, an illusion, allusion, allocution, prostitution, to deal with this shit, gotta have an iron constitution.

In any case, I'm tired, no desire, fed up, heads up, is the reason I'm sending this out as a type of warning for those in mourning over a mist, a vapor, just a reflection, orchestrated to succeed in this caper, to steal the soul of the empathetic, genuinely sympathetic,

with magnetic harm, oops, I mean charm, no I don't, I meant what I said, like I always do, and your nothing new, nothing to fear, only steer clear of the magick, yeah magick with a K, cause if you ever knew the Lord, you don't today, and to be honest, which is something you just can't do, but once again, that's just you being you.

Seduction is all you know to gain control, and you do it very well, this hell you subject them to, but hey, that's just you doing you.


So, go on and do u, ain't nobody here wants to, and that's just u doing u again, and again, I called you friend without end, but like always you played me for a fool, a tool, like a ball of yarn or thread on a spool, u train the brain to think whatever you want it to, and your to blame for the shame of the game, that's so lame, and then you act so tame, pointing fingers that linger, when I finally get an attitude, and once again that's just you being you.

Part 2 Hey, I saw you at the stoplight, you said that’s not right, here comes the gaslight, act like I’m starting a fight, so you can play it right, tight, slight of hand, then disappear for the rest of the night, stomach is twisted in knots now, and I’m about out of thoughts now, no brand, incomplete, strange beat, on the street again, but it’s much too soon.
won’t talk to me maybe for a week, or at least, the rest of the night, except to say, you won’t be interrogated that way, and you’re tired, frustrated enraged, , what way, is it you’re trying to say, fact is you always get in the way, of the weight of your own lies, puts me in a state of is she or isn't she, and if she is why? Enough, can’t do this no more, and even deserting, if there were certain things about you, that might make me want to feel, like want you still, but it’s just not possible, for you to lay, aside the fake persona you wear, and when I compare, the you I see when you’re tired or doing your cooking thing, it’s not a task, but you drop the mask, anytime you notice you’ve been at all exposed, you go out of your way just to provoke, looking for reasons to explode. And your attitude, you act so rude, not sure what it is you’re trying to prove, but I’m sick of it, like almost every little bit about you, or at least that I can see, it’s clear you’re trying to do whatever crazy making thing you can construe. But hey, that's just you doing you. So, go on and do you, ain't nobody else waiting up here gonna want to, and that's just u doing u again, and again, I called you friend without end, but like you always do you played me for a fool, or a tool, like a ball of yarn or thread on a spool, u train the brain to think whatever you want it to, and you're to blame for the shame of the game, that's so lame, and then you act so tame, pointing fingers that linger, when I finally get an attitude, telling others I’m just abjectly rude, cause you’d never divulge the truth, about you, and how obtuse, and out of touch you really are, you don’t travel far, cause you’re here now, and within these 4 walls, you’re a star,

you think, but you ain’t it, you ain’t the one, and hanging with you, you know it stopped being fun, and it’s been that way for a while now, ever since you betrayed me, I could see it in your smile now, over 2500 miles now, I went so far just to see that face, but you replaced me anyway, feigning grace, straight face, common place, for ur kinda chase, but I have to say, it’s a sickness, I have to say, nothing left I accept, except an apology, I’m sure I’ll never get, as you forget to say anything to the one you were replacing and the one who sealed his doom, sealed his fate, on your first date, you got home late, knowing I would wait,

always the trusting one, thinking you was out having good clean fun, man, I was such a fool, while you fill up the hours in your day, making excuses why you’re away, but you’re really just getting laid, every night and every day, got the nerve enough, that you ask of me to pray to keep you safe, now I know it’s hallmark, and cardinal traits, stacking up to show the disgrace that identifies you, but you lie about that too, and once again that's just you being you.

That’s right, narcissist, that’s just you doing you, of course I am disappointed sociopath, are you sure, the aftermath, of not hearing your voice or stealing my mask, but it’s only used for the sports I play, not to get in the way, of I love you’s, in every little stupid thing I do and say, and I’m free to do me, with liberty, I ain’t got to worry about what you do or don’t see, cause I’ve finally reached that place, when and if I see ur face, it reminds me of the one I once thought I loved, and I was too much, yet could never be enough,

the empty beast, as she feasts, on yet another one, but this time sorry son, I just have to say, I turned around and walked away, because, it just got real to me, she will never be, any of what she promised to be, not only not for me, but for anybody, it just takes charity, and others will see the reality of the real you, loving the real me, and we’ll go from there, but for now, we’re going to take our time, and to make you mine, I’m also gonna make… a brand new history,
God forbid u ever let them see the shit you pull, as you yo-yo some poor soul, and take control, again, just like the last time, damn.... I knew u didn't change just changed the rules to the the same old game, added some players to entertain on ur stage, where you play life, play wife, grave site, sharp knife, but still you go on too stupid to catch on too dumb to run, so u sit, don't give a shit, if this is it, than this is it, but before I go let me get one more hit of that shit.

I've never done it, never made exception, in the midst of all your switchin, just like true grit or any western, and, I let you flip out, twist and shout, screaming like gwen stefani when she was no doubt, now you pout, that's really what you're about? any time you don't get your way, you act like a child at their sibling's birthday, and u say, it's not fair, i don't care, sit and stare from the corner in a chair, while the music blares from the brand new laptop, I just bought you, now you've got 2, no wait, my mistake that one makes four, and still you want more more more, never get enough,

never give anything at all,, just watch me crawl, starving for attention, affection, can i get anything from you more than abject rejection, projection and deflection, or do you really have that poor of recollection?

How we got here.. How to get home?

Why u text then block? Kinda lame ya know? (My goodbye)

 This email was written long before I had any clue what cluster b was, narcissists were people who looked in the mirror all the time and loved themselves, and were selfish and self centered.

This email is not in the least altered, I copied and pasted it from my gmail account.
I'd appreciate feedback as to what person does it sound like this is sent to?

Thanks

I was a Bible teacher when she targeted me, and she did so to cause me to fall, as she always did, but now she married this guy who believes not only is she capable of love, but that she loves him. I have already showed him enough love bombing of me to choke an alligator, but he's a stubborn guy,, and seriously who wants to believe the were chosen for marriage as part of a huge sociopath production.

Sorry Mike, deal with it homey, I have been for the past 3 years, now just be glad when you get your personal shitstorm, you'll know what it is, because you had me trying to save your stubborn ass for months, but oh well, at least wear a rubber, because she is also incapable of fidelity, and more so of being honest.

 

 

Paul Nunyabzns	2/1/16
to blessingallaro.

 How about you unblock one number so I can point out just how flawed your thinking is on just about everything at this point?

 

Joy comes from God, therefore man cannot as you put it "suck the joy" right out of you. More likely it's not joy, but happiness and that is why it so easily comes and goes, because like you, it is completely dependent on your mood.

 

Same for peace, as they are both within the fruit of the Spirit, so you better check yourself if you believe man has the ability to take something only God can give.

 

In the same way no man can take your peace, no man can give you a headache.

 

I AM COMPLETELY LUCID AS I WRITE_______________

 

If you are reading this, I want you to know in the last 2 days you showed me just how juvenile you can really be.

In all but the physical age aspect.

On a spiritual level, you're yelling and cussing at me, and saying any terrible thing you can think of.

But my Bible says we don't wrestle against flesh and blood, it also says many other things about how we speak to one another, and it seems you have no use for in your brand of church goer I guess.

 

You love grace and mercy for you, but if someone hurts you, whether intentional or not, you will believe it was their goal regardless. You want JUSTICE which means judgment for them, but if you ever did any heinous thing (AND YOU HAVE),  you would cry out for mercy. We all do.

Jesus said BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL FOR THEY SHALL OBTAIN MERCY.

He had something to say about the self centered who always look for someone to blame too.

You don't hate me, you hate you, because even you know it's foolish to hate me, as I don't make your choices for you. You think of all the nasty and dirty kinky things we did and it makes you furious.

I'll tell you what, you don't get this other centered introspective thing going pretty quick in your life, you WILL do it again.

Don't forget, this didn't start with me.

 

That said, before I go any further and on the off chance you are actually reading this, I don't want you to miss this.

 

Every harsh uncaring word you spoke to me, every cutting remark, every empty promise, every inconsideration, every put down, every affirmation you promised and didn't deliver, every slight, every insult, every head game, every unnecessarily mean or unkind response, every ill thought, every dirty look, every sarcasm, every put down, every devaluing  of me as a man, as a child of God and as a person, every blame you laid on me,  every accusation you leveled on me, absolutely every wrong you've ever done me, I FORGIVE YOU COMPLETELY and I release you from it!

 

I would appreciate you reading the rest, and I have no way of knowing if you do or not, but I'm kind of afraid for you.

 

 

You've said over and over that your back to who you were and back to the place you were.

Is who you were the same angry, projecting,inconsistent, fault finding and self centered person I've watched you become more and more over the last year?

Is who you were the same person who blames all their choices and consequences on someone else, or circumstances, or deception.

 

This idea you were somehow deceived is just utter nonsense for a few reasons, (unless you mean you deceived yourself) but mostly because you're just speaking christianese, as there are no accounts of Christian believers being deceived (except when Paul says "sin" itself deceived him)in the Bible we have, and of course I'm referring to only the NT
This assertion by Paul is also in reference to the law in Rom 7

Sorry to burst your superiority bubble but it's true, look it up.

Believers IN Christ are LED AWAY AND ENTICED by what, the devil? NO, by their OWN DESIRES.

Our daily battle is against the world the flesh and the devil.

All I hear come from you is the devil this and the devil that, but at the same time you make reference to your flesh, but give it no culpability

So give it a rest for a minute ms know it all, and KNOW this one thing, until you're more interested in the changes God wants to make in you for effectiveness in interpersonal relationships, you will NEVER see yourself.

Until you get introspective FIRST and look for outward influences AFTER, you will NEVER be the spiritual giant you wanted me, and I'm sure others to see.

But here's a simple truth, nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

 

Also, what is this  "place" your back to? a few months before you met me and we started to doing the skype sex thing not long after, you were doing basically the same thing with Mark, and some guy kevin, a few months before, and before that you were in prison. It must be prison you're referring to.

 

The sanctimonious crap is just sickening. We stopped studying the Bible because you didn't want to. We stopped doing the skype sex because you wanted to.

We started it again, because you wanted to.

Everything we've done in this time has been BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO, not because you were deceived. GROW UP SPIRITUALLY.

As I've said and will maintain, I didn't care what we were doing as long as I got to spend time with you, and as I've also maintained I loved the sex with you too, but then you'd get really mad for a few days, and believe and try to get me to believe with you that it was all my fault, and didn't matter if you'd just pulled your top up and asked if I wanted to see, or if I was asking to see your belly, both instances in your mind were completely my fault because EVERYTHING came down to the spiritual leader in the relationship.

Didn't matter if I'm sitting there with an open Bible starting to read and when I get a few paragraphs in to some devotion or whatever, and am asking questions, you're playing with yourself, nope. Still all my fault for being a poor spiritual leader.

 

ANYWAY I'M DONE WITH U AND UR CRAP.... I really loved you, and as I told you this was NEVER based on anything you do or don't do, but the choice I made to love you.

I CAN DO NOTHING about your notions and ideas that feed you from your own mind, and I will NO LONGER try.

 

If you're actually even reading this, I know you're all cocky, or laughing or something.

Being as young and incredibly immature as you are, you really don't understand love, and this is why you were able to so easily take everything I ever did expressly for you without considering what it meant, and rather took them and me for granted.

This is also why it's so easy for you to say things you don't mean, and in some cases don't really know the meaning according to general consensus.

 

You see people as disposable as most kids do, much like toys of a sort, and toys don't have opinions or emotions.

This is why I believe you act so incredulous when a person with feelings isn't thrilled with something you've said or done and not considered them or their worth at all.

 

This is why you really have no actual concept of love and that it is NOT  feeling, but a choice that is to wayyyyy outlast the feeling, as feelings change, love however does not.

I do NOT BELIEVE you will meet another who will actually LOVE u with the commitment and desire I had.

I'd have done anything just to see you smile.

 

I think that's about it for me, and I truly do hope you get a freaking clue, because people shouldn't have to be scratching their heads about your actions, or the incredibly harsh words you toss out of your mouth with zero thought.

 

I've witnessed on numerous occasions you call your kids STUPID, and that is just completely unacceptable.

 

So, if spiritual growth really is your goal, get busy with the basics, and I think it's great if you're actually praying as much as you say. I don't know, I only know you blamed me for not taking the time before.

 

I  ask you remember only one thing THE GREATEST OF THESE IS AGAPE!

 

In ALL of our conversations since I told on us for having  sex, you have been only cold, cutting and unforgiving. AGAPE flows, and like compassion it does NOT pick and choose who is worthy to receive it. This is probably why Jesus said to even AGAPE your enemies.

Don't fool yourself into thinking you are or have something you may not. Instead ask, plead beg God if necessary for an actual compassionate heart, because without it, no matter what you may be DOING for the body of Christ, you are NOT "BEING" the hands and feet of Jesus.

Forgive and be forgiven, and in the same measure you do this, it will be done to you.

 

 

 

I will NO LONGER tolerate your insults and character assaults, when you are simply obviously projecting, but like any introspective aspect, you refuse to see it.

 

I certainly couldn't stay on your clock and/or calendar and maintain sanity

 

You do things, and you say things in such a way as to prevent you from taking responsibility for your own wants, needs, and actions.

As I said, go ahead and keep your blame on me.  I don't care, and I have nothing to prove except that I am now, and will always be a horribly sinful creature, and that makes me so thankful for the only PERFECT SAVIOR, who died for all the sin I commit, and ever will commit, HE IS SUFFICIENT for ALL.

What's funny is the short little testimony you put up public the beginning of Jan which pretty much echoes what I've been saying to you since the beginning of this incredibly trying time with you and your utter selfishness and self centeredness.

 

So, if you know this well enough academically, why do you have to blame everything either on someone or some other thing.

 

Why can't you just look inside you and ask the hard questions in a conflict, like what did I DO to contribute to this rift? How was I insensitive to this person's needs or whatever?

 

Because until you do, and it becomes important to you, you will NOT be compassionate, and therefore you will remain self centered and self absorbed, not even realizing much less caring how much opportunity you are just pissing away every single day YOU remain your top priority.

I don't give a crap if you think I'm talking out the side of my neck. I just spent almost 2 years daily with you, and you are incredibly self centered, and self important.

Do  you realize how often you say "God said" this or that? I'm not even talking about the what hundreds of times He said something to you concerning us and the future, and then changed His mind, and many times kept changing His mind back and forth according to you?

I'll tell you what "God said", God said agape your enemies, He said if you want mercy, you better be merciful when it's your turn to hold the gavel in situations in life. You want to be forgiven, you better make sure you forgive. You want to be big better get real humble. You want to be wise, better reverence God and absorb His Word. You want healthy relationships, you'd better communicate.

THESE ARE THINGS HE ACTUALLY SAID, BECAUSE THEY'RE WRITTEN IN HIS BOOK.

 

This relationship with you has caused me such pain, turmoil, confusion, my health, spiritual, physical, and emotional

Never before in my life have a let someone treat me as (I don't even have a word for it) as I have you, and I really don't care, because I absolutely love the feeling of loving someone heart and soul.

I enjoy cheering them on, and being there for them, but this is the first time I was such a big part in someone's life, and didn't really have permission to speak into their life. In fact, when I did try to speak to you about something I'd be accused of criticizing you at best, and at worst, you do that thing most teenagers do and say, OK I GET IT I'M THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON IN THE WORLD.

So I tried for a few months, and then as you planned, it became you  ask me specifically what you're willing to discuss, then argue with everything I have to say, try to convince me I have no idea what I'm talking about, in anything, ever.

I say ever, because THIS WHOLE THING WAS NULL AND VOID for 2 weeks out of every month as you know. BECAUSE of NO FAULT of your own of course, you would feel "warm and fuzzy" about me, and horny, and the rest, and you describe these feelings as "love"..

I don't really care about that either.

I do care about this, I genuinely loved you, and tried to help you, and though I'm so sorry about the whole contacting Jim and Brett thing, I really do think it was God's plan, but again there I don't see any softness in your heart, or your words, and that explosive wrath still sits just below the surface.

In fact, after receiving news you'd have to step down for 2 weeks from teaching Sunday school, and I'm sure ultimately something similar with mt hope, you effectively got your covers pulled and suffered some embarrassment, which personally I think it's probably a good idea your pride gets smacked around fairly regularly, as you're quite a prideful person.

Anyway, your heart towards me in this has been nothing but hate, and you don't care at all how it happened, why it happened, or ANYTHING, and without seeing it could have been SO MUCH WORSE and you may have had to find another county to serve in, it has happened to others, but you received grace and mercy in the end.

You want JUSTICE where you and I are concerned, and that concerns me, not on a personal level, because at this point you are of NO consequence to me whatsoever, but I am very frightened for you, as a day is soon coming as I mentioned before where you too will want grace and mercy.

I apologized profusely through many tears, but you remained resolute in what you believe forgiveness is.

The Bible says if I were to go and tell someone personal things about you and said I repent, than you are to forgive me. Even if I go out and do it again and again and again. It says if HE SAYS I repent, not if there's a true heart change and proven track record.

All you had to say about the whole thing and me was "I hate you" "There is no chance for any type of reconciliation" and numerous accusations, and insults, and implications that I am stupid,  a "snitch", and a lot more.

You didn't even bother to inquire of me what happened, or what I was thinking or anything. But that is not at all surprising from you. It's much less effort on your part to assume you know everything, and I seen this is just how you do things, and I'm going to tell you, it is probably the biggest way you prove that you do NOT see the value in people, or their thoughts, etc.

So yes, I'm very concerned for you, because as I said to you not long ago, and it's true. You are NOT an empathetic person, but not everyone is, and that's ok. Empathy is to actually feel another's pain, and sometimes to a greater extreme than even the individual. I have witnessed opportunity to see this in you, and I'm sure if you were one of the empathetic I'd have seen it. I know you've seen it in me, as it isn't something you choose. It is a gift from God, and so when certain things happened to you or one of your kids, that caused pain, I could feel it. I could give specific examples, but it really doesn't matter.

But, if you claim Christ, actual COMPASSION, which actually means to SUFFER WITH, should FLOW out of me, you, and every true believer, it is from agape, so it doesn't pick and choose who is worthy of compassion, or forgiveness.

 

I do pray for your sake, and especially your beautiful children's sake that you do whatever it takes to know that whether it's me or your ex husband, or Joe Smoe down the road, you know that the love of Christ compels you to kindness, and the same to know what forgiveness really looks like and what it does for everyone involved. I pray also the wrath and bitterness that is in you will DIE and be replaced with knowledge of God and the power of the Holy Spirit. I pray for you to have a true desire for humility and to see the value in each and every person with whom you come in contact, whether me, your ex husband, or a pushy telemarketer.

 

I also pray for me, that my heart not become bitter and that I don't see the time I spent with you as little more  than a waste, and that somehow God will  see to it I will receive word from time to time as to your state, your growth, and what God is doing in and through you.

I also pray though my heart is so severely broken, and more so as I saw so clearly what's behind your eyes, and mouth that so easily spits harsh words like venom; if there is anything praise worthy in this time, that I will think on that.

I pray for the hearts of the children, and that somehow as they grow I get to see from a distance, and I do pray you provide constant and consistent structure and discipline they can count on with healthy fear, and I pray you stop yelling at them, and in speaking calmly the respond.

 

 

Well, that's it for me, and whether you believe or understand it or not, I love you ALL now, and will love you ALL forever

 

I spent a lot of time writing this, and I've asked God that you will read it if any part of it will be used to bring you to the place you need to be for the glory of God and the good of His people.

I've been sentenced to exile. My crime, being genuine, loving, and not being willing to be bullied, and keep a covert narcissist's double life secret. Since coming forward, I've been maligned like never before, minimized by those in the CN's employ, belittled by pastors, and assistant pastors, unfriended, blocked and deleted by so called facebook friends, and told I was crazy and vindictive by hoards of people I don't know, simply because I've been working tirelessly for the last 11 months to prevent others from being victimized by what I've determined to be a demon in human skin.
Though she victimized me, she has all of the above believing her to be a victim, yet there's been no significant change in her life, she was in another relationship before ours ever met its demise, and she is for all intents and purpose unaffected.

Meanwhile, I've all but lost my job, my home, a great number of "friends" real or imagined lol, respect, self respect, self esteem, self worth, ability to "put myself out there again", sleep, faith, confidence in humanity, and self awareness, and have been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist, as I've been diagnoses with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and as many of you know have had severe edema in my feet, hands, wrists and ankles since April, and as soon as medical comes through I'll be able to take the necessary tests to find out what the underlying issue is, but we've eliminated kidney and liver, so all that is left is the heart, and all signs point to congestive heart failure, brought on by her Michelle Dawn Howard intentionally raising my stress B level to critical.
I'm letting this go for now, and I'm severely distraught because I believe this "victim" is now engaged, and it just seems so odd to me. as she by everyone's account is completely normal, that so soon after telling me...

M Dawn Howard
"I hope you know how much I truly love you. I can't see myself ever being with anyone else in life. You were perfect for me all along and I was made for you."

The above statement was made by her at least 100 times, in various ways up to just a few months before she decided to kill me off in her mind, and the reality of this starting to take form, was either right before or right after my June 2015 (Father's Day) round trip flight, and rental car from San Jose, CA to Columbus, OH, then the drive from Columbus to McDermott, which is just about as south as you can get before ur in Kentucky.

Mmm yeah this whore did quite the job of fooling me she was not only human, but actually had a conscience, loved me, loved God, and wanted nothing more than for us to wed, and live forever in and from an immutable, and eternal perspective for us. Excuse me for a moment won't you dear reader, as I have to address the ongoing voice of unreasonable influence in my head, it's just one of many filters incredibly TOXIC individuals implant as part of the insidious nature of who they are and the sinister reality of their continually unfolding agenda, that mostly effects, and infects the victim, long after they've abandoned  the target/victim, and the "manipulationship" they singlehandedly built, then dismantled, and somehow have blamed the lot of it, everything, including their "hurt", displeasure, and abysmal attempt at feigning sadness and disappointment over the defunct union, as if exactly what is happening somehow isn't exactly what they'd schemed and orchestrated from day one. See, this here, these times and these moments of cognitive dissonance, these are what she lives for  in the lives of her never ending flow of victims,  as she uses the salt from their tears as seasoning for a dish known to be best when served cold, yet there is no cause for her effect, no warranting this insatiable need for revenge against those who've only brought her adoration, concern, respect, and entertainment, but never quite as chilled as the dead, black mass, masquerading itself as her heart, as just like her biblical illustrative equivalent, the woman possessing an adulterous heart, found in Proverbs 30:20, as she too eats, wipes her mouth, but the ever present smirk remains, as she says; "I've done no wickedness." just as we'd expect to hear from the nefarious succubus, who holds contempt in high regard, and infidelity her banner, while she herself, hides, and shrinks away from her self imposed reality, shifting the burden of shame onto those closest in proximity, once again successfully shirking her own responsibility, as  she looks around, and again something is amiss, oh well, she for the briefest moment concedes it is her, the one in black, the reflection incorruptible as none of what is reflected is remotely close to the quickly eroding fantasy of youth, losing its elacticity, as is the case for all of us unilaterally, and there's no "favorites" in the classes one needs attend, during their sometimes seemingly eternal stay at the proverbial "school of hard knocks", if they ever plan to graduate, wear big kid pants, and actually make some kind of noticeable difference, and long term change, to abandon their place as a huge part of the problem, deciding adamantly, yet unchanging in pursuit, just a fancy way of saying "all talk and no action", as can be said of every distinguishable aspect of ur tedious and parasitic existence and still no new solution, to the days old problem, and the confusion she like the rest of her ilk actually live, breathe and move just to be cause of.. smh.                          

Please forgive my sidebar to the most annoying interloper I've ever had the displeasure of meeting.                                                                                                  
If ur not going to own the truth of all this, michelle, fine, then say NOTHING, because as u know I have property I either need to rent, or sell, or do something else with, but I will be there in not too long a time now, and I have my agenda, but so far it hasn't included being so frustrated with ur pathologically lying and serial cheating, then playing the victim, remember what I told u c u next tuesday, that ur more than welcome to make urself a cu next tuesday, then nobody will want to come out here,  especially after seeing for themselves, as ur so flippin bouncy when ur in the honeymoon period, telling these huge lies that actually mean  nothing to you, just as they meant nothing to when u were spewing them at me, and of course as always,  victimizing urself. I think it's high time u get some of the stuff that made u such a malignant, toxic, piece of shit, as when I treatedu with nothing but kindness and deference, u went from bad to worse, to appalling, to simply impossible to be human, and this is the primary reason I know beyond any doubt regardless what psychological label anyone chooses to put on it, I"m convinced by your behavior, your words, and your actions, just as I said to you 3 years ago, almost to the day, when u inquired of me, about a person who does these things.
I now see the questions u were in ur weird cluster fuck way,  asking were actually admitting to me ur intentions, and letting me know  what u'd planned, and what I should come to expect of u.
 before u hit the play button on the next 2 years, and I'm sure u lack the EQ to figure out what else you've just stated in the timing of the verbatim questioning, I'm not stupid, even though and I'm sure I remember u  telling me about being a little girl, and getting punched square in your mouth, by ur mom, dad, whoever, don't even care anymore, as it's probably as real as u are in relationships, but I'm glad I've been able to network, not only with other toxey cluster b's like u, and her, but with other simple, yet incredibly complex, as are we all who make up a part of the genuine human condition.

It definitely makes it a lot easier when tasked by the community of humanity to do what I did before and out ur worthless asses, and, u getting punched square in ur whore mouth, smirk, would also be very fitting, personally fulfilling, and entertaining for me  to see, to say the least, yeah, I'd like that a lot. So very fitting for a chronically lying, demonic sadistic, serial cheater void of conscience   such as ur self punching u square in the mouth, just to see if it's an automaton. Now I know it was, because she had secured a fresh source of narcissistic supply, but she kept me around for her primal urges, and deviant mostly hidden bents toward the perverse, might as well come out with it, as ur fans don't even care how perverse ya'll are, because u've had them sleeping for so long now, it's clear ur the devil, and some may even know it, but come the morning, though u've consumed just a bit more of each of them, they'll know nothing, as she continued messing with my head, as she was continuing to send me listings for homes near her, as well as discounted flights, and also continued to tell me how much she loved me, and still had need of me being on Skype 5 hours per day, but no longer in the mornings, and I'm sure it was because she was Skyping with the new source. Narcissists need constant admiration, attention, and adulation, and wake up empty every single day, so we would talk around 5am every morning up till sometime in July, but I noticed it already beginning in June 2015, and intermittently beyond that to late December of that same year.

For 16 months I've studied narcissism, along with sociopathy, psychopathy, cluster B type personalities along with comorbids within cluster b, as well as in conjunction with a slew of mental disorders to go along with their/her personality disorder, and their respective relationship cycles, and one thing is clear to me. When someone presents 10 of 10, and 9 of 9 traits of anything, and one finds themselves having to recreate history in order for the subject to NOT be completely pigeonholed into a definition, one can't just waive it off and move forward. There is a sense of moral responsibility, and I tried, God knows I tried, but it seems to no avail, and I have literally wept for the inevitable harm that is to come to her newest victim, fiance, if she is indeed engaged.
My focus now is, and needs to be getting back to where I used to live daily, in God's great love, and unfailing mercy. This has been very difficult for me, as I've been extremely angry with God for allowing this demon in human skin to infiltrate my life, and proceed to systematically build a false world, and false future, with nothing to sustain it but fantasy, and abject lies, then to just as systematically dismantle it, along with my psyche,and rather than ever come clean on the whole ruse, she chooses instead to blame the victim once again, and this time it's or the dissolving of the "manipulationship" they orchestrated from about 2 weeks before u'll ever know as they decided (lie) day one, Dismantling one's psyche is dismantling the part that makes them who they are, it's the part of a person that is most responsible for making one into the person everyone knows.

THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY START TO FINISH!

NO NAMES WILL BE CHANGED, AS THEIR ARE NO INNOCENT, AND EVERY WORD CAN BE PROVEN OBJECTIVELY.... I'M DONE BEING THE NICE GUY....

Tell me how well you would fare, if close to half a century on this planet, and nobody has ever really "gotten" you, nobody has ever really valued you, and you know it. Then suddenly the exact thing you've spent your life hoping and praying would someday arrive, is in front of you, and telling you all those things you've waited so long to hear someone say. Not only that, they confirm it's your answer to prayer, as they know certain things, and upon greeting you, not long after they tell you it was the Holy Spirit drawing them to you, that compelled them to contact you, and they say the silly thing they said the first time they contacted you, the question they acted like was burning within them, the one they knew how you would answer, and then confess to you it was all just a ruse to spend time talking to you in a private environment, as this was God's doing and not mans?
Tell me how would your heart soar, as you had the most amazing time of Bible study, and worship of our God together, in prayer and in song, and just in wonderful seamless Koinonia. (fellowship) This person, though 2500 miles away, has already become an integral part of you, and you've already decided it is the most beautiful part of you. Now all the memories of the years of disappointment assault your mind with nay-saying, trepidation is so great, you sometimes find yourself shaking and don't know why, until you see their face in your mind's eye, ahhhh, there she is, my forever love, my storybook, my fairy-tale, my queen.

So you pray and seek the face of God, with a thankful, but so wounded heart. Finally you have it, that peace only God can give, the trepidation, gone. fear of loss, gone. the pit of loneliness that had become so familiar begins to fade and fade quickly.
Then within a short period, begins a deluge of superlative absolutes, but see, they don't seem crazy, but the natural order, as you've completely given your heart away in trust, as they've assured you, and respected you being so candid, when you said clearly; This heart has been through more than it could stand already, and I'm certain it cannot withstand another great break. You go on to say; I will gladly give you my wounded heart, and I ask only one thing in return, please be certain, and if you're certain this heart, my heart is the one you want, then for the rest of my days here, I will gladly give it to you, and for the rest of my life. I am yours.
She quickly responds with, You are EVERYTHING I could ever want in a man and so much more. You are the answer to my prayers. I love you, and that will NEVER change, I look forward to growing in Christ together as we grow old together. I love you, and you are my destiny.

How are you faring to this point?
I'm going to leave some things out, but now the deluge has been going constantly for 1.5 years. 18+ months now you've been hearing her say things like God made me specifically for you. God knows there is simply no other man for me, but you. My children are your children. You are my hope and expected end. God said you are the best thing for me. I could continue, as there were hundreds in that course of time, and I have all of them to this day. A few months later, you meet Michelle Dawn Howard (now Deardoff) in person and in all you took 7 flights cross country to spend time with her, and those 3 wonderful kids, and the first time you met face to face, there was such an incredible connection, on absolutely every level you could think of, but you say nothing, as she vocalizes everything you would have said. Never before had you been so enamored, so filled, and so empty of yourself, as you've poured all of you into life with her. No reserve, No Plan B, No question, You've heard from God, she's heard from God, those you've had praying have heard from God, and it's all YES YES YES. You touch, and it's as if you found the part of you you've been looking for your whole life. Parting as she lets you out near departures, you're already pricing tickets and moving things in your calendar, because now, after a little one says from the furthest seat in the back of her van, just as loud as she can; "Thanks for being our dad!", (Later you learn it's quite common for those who have NPD & ASPD to write scripts for their children and others) and you smile, but you really just want to weep, as between Skype and now meeting them, you're leaving 4 large pieces of your heart 2500 miles away, and somehow you're expected to function, the same way you have, and run 2 businesses, effectively.
You cannot wait for each morning to hurry up and get here, because it's time for coffee and Our Daily Bread, followed with some good talk time for an hour or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5. Looking back you realize for almost 2 years you spent an average of no less than 5 hours a day, looking at each other, and actually talking. You also realize, there is not a single couple you can think of that would even be able to sit there and look at each other for more than 20 minutes, maybe an hour, yet for us either talking and never running out of things to say, or awkward silences, nor do either of you ever even seem to get bored with it. Just awesome, and the love and the promise of covenant just gets reaffirmed 5 10 20 times in a day.

Then she starts changing, as you used to proofread her school papers for her, and it was fun, because she also hit you up for Bible knowledge, and just because she knows you're smart, as she's reading she says; "what does X mean?" You know from the top of your head most of the time, but you don't want her to know you've googled a few of them, but for the sake of transparency you tell her anyway.
Then, the same God who had given EVERYONE YES YES YES YES , according to her, has now decided NO NO NO NO, but she wants to be your good friend. the next month she unfriends you on facebook. Keep in mind you know you've never done anything but encourage her, love her and her kids who she's said were yours, and that you're family, and that as you recall the deluge of superlatives and absolutes, well, they keep coming, but not like before, now it seems they're purpose is to keep you confused, and keep you hoping.
She also sends you real estate listings near her, and discounted flights information. She still says she loves you, but as you've divulged every weakness you have to her in the past 20 months, she has already weakened your strength and all but breathed into your weaknesses and fears.

How you faring, still doing good? Still feeling strong? Still confident in God and His love and plan for your life?

Soon after this, as you really don't know wth to do, with any of it, at all.
You're trying to prove to her that it was God, because the Bible says He doesn't change and He certainly NEVER went back and forth at least 50 times that you recall, and you've read the Bible for over 40 years, including once now cover to cover together with her. So, now you're a yo-yo, and the only thing you have left keeping you with some semblance of sanity or peace is the fact communication is still effectively active.
September 3rd, 2015 she can't stop thinking about you, and the kids miss you, and let's talk on Skype, YOU SHOULDN'T BE BOTHERED WITH THE FACT I UNFRIENDED YOU UNNECESSARILY, OR THAT WHILE WE'RE ON SKYPE I'M FACEBOOKING WITH OTHER PEOPLE, BECAUSE WE STILL TEXT, AND I STILL MAKE THINGS REALLY CONFUSING, BECAUSE I TELL YOU I LOVE YOU STILL, AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU SEXUALLY ALL THE TIME, EITHER ON VIDEO OR IN PERSON. WANT TO DO ODB? GET YOUR GUITAR AND PLAY WORSHIP. I LOVE WATCHING YOUR
FINGERS WHILE YOU PLAY, AND PICTURE THEM STROKING MY BODY.
I LOVE YOU, YOU'RE THE GREATEST GUY. YOU'RE SUCH AN AWESOME GUY. I MISS YOU. 

September 23, you haven't talked much this week, and the fact is she's being very rude towards you, but you're locked in, you have no plan B, and in fact you both agreed long ago, there was no more plan B thinking. She texts you something, and being very wounded already, she texts something else with a little bite to it, to which you respond, are you stupid? You know how much I love you, and how well I treat you, and now after everything you say you don't want us? You're stupid.” To which she replies “I know” and you tell her “So stop being stupid” and she says “OK, can we Skype now?” It goes pretty much the way it always does at this point, much like the first time you finally agreed to video, after months of text, and phone, and the first night, she now openly admits she seduced you, and if you're honest, at this point you'll take whatever kindness she's willing to offer, rather than accept the alternative with all of its implications.
Oct 16, You're on Skype reading something that is related to the Bible, but she doesn't really choose to do Bible stuff with you anymore, and though she said in no uncertain terms God placed you there to teach her, and the numerous times she's said, I love the insight God has given you into His Word, along with many other GOOD PURE ENCOURAGEMENTS.. Now she says; Take your shirt off, let me see you, and don't think for a minute I'm anything but excited and more than happy to oblige, as I know it's that time in her cycle where she is going to be SO NICE TO ME for a few days, nice like she was fort the first 18 months, but then in a few days, she's going to blame me for whatever occurred a few days before, and though she said early on that to her you have the best leadership skills and quality, in fact better than any man she's ever met. Now she goes as far as to emasculate you, and you notice by November she is systematically removing you from her life, but not only you, she is somehow unsaying everything she's said from the time the Holy Spirit “drew her to you”, but now she says it wasn't the Holy Spirit, but just her wanting someone in her life. So, what do you do with the confirmation you received, that you anguished over in prayer for days terrified of this day ever coming, and didn't stop pressing in, until you had peace?
By now though, she's said in many different ways you don't really hear from God, and she is far superior to you on any spiritual level, as if to say you are a spiritual midget compared to her. Now I could tell you in how many ways this specifically contradicts 18 months of her GOD SAID stuff, and honestly this is one thing that makes her look really foolish or stupid, take your pick.

So, whoo whoo? still exciting? NO REASON TO BE THE LEAST BIT UPSET OR CONFUSED, RIGHT? Just a little trifling,, no big deal right?

I'm tired so I'm wrapping it up. November, I want you to come out here and make me your sex slave, and do to me the things I've written in this BDSM story, one last tryst. I'll play my part. OF COURSE YOU DON'T TELL HER, BUT YOU'LL DO ALMOST ANYTHING TO HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE WITH HER, TO TALK TO HER, TO SOMEHOW GET HER TO SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING, WHAT SHE'S BEEN DOING, THE WAY SHE'S REDUCED YOU, DEVALUED YOU, AND NOW IT SEEMS ONLY USES YOU FOR SEX.

She wrote her story, after covertly reading others like it, while you were on Skype, she just ignored you and read BDSM stories while you sat there like a good dog, sit long enough and I will give you a treat, i will speak to you. Though all of her actions are perfectly justified, I guess, one day you are feeling somewhat amorous, and this just one day removed from her showing you how well she is able to perform a thing now she had trouble with earlier. Your hand drifts below the camera, then you are interrogated for over an hour the next day and told how deeply disappointed she is in you. Dec 1, she shows you what she can do now on Skype, and it is impressive to say the least, Dec 14 your package to them arrives and they open their gifts, and she minimizes basically everything you did in the gifts you sent them. Dec 16 she sends you real estate listings for a town 20 minutes from her.
Dec 21 close to Christmas and her and her kids being the closest you've had to, and her also referring to you as family, for the past 2 Christmases and they're so far away, and YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT “IT” IS ANYMORE. You send the following text. A little down today, could use a boost. there's no reply for 3 hours, so you send another text, this one says; You gonna say anything? to which she replies, “You must be talking about the text you sent soliciting words, thing is we're not together, were not gonna be, I can understand the confusion because I keep sending mixed signals but the fact remains. if I were you I'd walk away, because one day I will walk away.” Now keep in mind she's fully aware of everything she's said, and has continued to say, and do. Not to mention it's just a couple days before a Christmas you're spending alone.

No apology for trifling with you for almost 2 years now, and admitting to trifling with you, no remorse, no regret, no apology, just like a narcissistic sociopath. The package she sent you arrived on the 22^nd, but you don't really even want to know what's inside after the things she said the day before, but she keeps on you about it, until you give in. She's made you about 4 pounds of assorted flavors of fudge and hand knit you the perfect cap for the winter cold. I gush over the amount of time and work it took for her to do this, then I'm back at the familiar place of I don't know what the heck to think anymore.

I will spare you the drama of the next few days; Dec 30 I'm horny, I wish you were here so you could ______________________ and put as many blanks as you want. Dec 31 I don't know if I want to go to the New Year's thing she says; No, you should go, be with people have fun, drive safe. You're such an awesome guy. I miss you. Love ya. Late Dec 31 Skype, talk about her party with friends, then says; Well I'm going to bed, and it's 25 minutes from being your new years, so she begrudgingly agrees to wait until your ball drops.
Goodnight, text in the morning, love you. You don't respond, and you haven't for at least the last 10 times she has said “I love you.”
Jan 1 10am PST, 1pm EST You breakdown and text, hi, happy new year. No response 2 hours. then Happy new year, don't feel like texting and THINKING ON GOING on 7 day electronic fast. I'll text you later nothing for the rest of the day. That night Skype rings, you're used to the blow off followed by the I don't want you in my life, and as it's a holiday you really don't want to hear that after you've just spent Christmas and New Years alone, so you don't answer Skype but you text and say what are you calling for, ODB? no response Skype keeps ringing, you can't handle anymore at the moment. Skype stops ringing she says; Yes, just ODB, you say, why didn't you just say, let's do it. She doesn't call and she doesn't answer. she says, I'm going to bed we can try again same time tomorrow.
So, you go to work, she's ignoring your texts, and as she already unnecessarily unfriended you, she's just doing her thing, and you know it, but you also know now she really doesn't give 2 craps about you, and you're pretty certain she never has, as you're looking back over the time, it was always about and for her, in every sense of the word. 730 the time she said she'd be calling comes and goes, as does the next 730pm, and the next, in the mean time, you're being a detective and notice she's liking some posts, so this can't possibly be an electronics fast, so now you're pissed, you've been lied to by her, she's obviously got more of a party thing going on, at least that's what you tell yourself, rather than just tell yourself, she doesn't want to spend time with you. You text her, call her, email her, and fb message her, ALL IGNORED, not even a slight explanation for why she didn't even follow through on calling when she offered on her own volition. Finally, you've been thinking for 5 days now you are nothing but a sex toy to her, and it needs to stop, again you text, this time you say, listen if you don't answer or respond, I'm gonna talk to the pastor about you. she decided to continue to ignore you, for an entire 5 days, you feel completely disrespected and devalued lke never before, because you know she was on the computer, she was texting and the whole 9, and it's starting to become clear why she unfriended you on Facebook, again, at least this is what you tell yourself, because it's easier to accept than the alternative. She had things going on she didn't want you to know about, meanwhile you are still completely and totally invested body mind and soul, again she don't respond or answer, so you unlike her lying self, actually do what you say, and contact her pastor. You think she'll be angry but then realize the sex needed to stop and get behind and realize even though he did it out of anger, he also did it out of love. Her immediate response is to block you on Facebook now. And the next time you hear anything at all and from that day forward is to tell you it's ALL YOUR FAULT, and that is where it is today..
Oh I almost forgot, before she said that, she said I hate you, then a couple of weeks later she said you are NOTHING to me!!

since Jan 6 2016, she has done nothing but blame me for everything, yes everything, when it was supposed to be time for closure, she wouldn't stop screaming, or shut her mouth for 2 seconds or let me say a single word, and twisted everything I had said before around. She's not once admitted to not communicating, or to not letting me know she was taking a 7 day fast, or the fact that being on Facebook during such a fast makes it untrue, nor has she admitted to knowingly playing me, especially from a certain point.

So, how ya doing? Ready for people who call themselves your friends to come in and start defending her now, and tell you you're nuts? Come in and say; Dude get over it, she wants nothing to do with you, and you need to just let her get on with her life.
Forgive her, I have, and in fact I've never held a grudge in my life, but I need my closure too, and I've still never raised my voice much less a hand to her. but it's obvious, nobody cares, and the truth is just something to chuckle at.
Feeling super confident in God right now are ya? God works all things together for good, for those who Agape God, and are called according His purpose.
Still think she's a victim do you? I should have known better than to think the very thing I'd been praying for would actually happen? Is that what you're trying to say, that because I actually believed in the promises of God, that I'm now delusional for seeing it come to pass? Seems to me it was obviously a really good trick, so thanks for that too.
Does anyone remember when she said;
"You are the sweetest most genuine guy I have ever met. I love you with a love that will NEVER die and NEVER grow cold. I hope to spend a long life by your side, and continually grow in Christ with you. You are my prayers come to pass. I love you my dearest Paul and will cherish you ALL my days." THAT'S BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE, and is still true today, I am very genuine.
Remember when she said she wasn't the victim here? THAT'S BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE!
So, why so many of you attack me, as though I did something wrong because I believed God answered my prayers? WHAT AN ASS I AM FOR DOING THAT, WHAT A JERK!

You all didn't have a clue, even after I told you exactly what happened, it wasn't true by your estimation, so it didn't and it doesn't matter what anyone says about anything, people believe what they choose, or have it in them to believe.

But Agape only comes to those who TRULY believe, and they are ALWAYS kind to EVERYONE.

So that's my story, and I'd really like some honest answers on how you would fare. It's only right for me to tell you, after she BLOCKED me on Facebook, which also was unnecessary, I in turn contacted someone else about the real _______________, and if ANYONE can't see she's the one who caused this, I think you've created an unhealthy bias, or maybe there's too much pride to admit just maybe you don't know her quite the way you thought you did.

Emails like this to her other pastor were ignored at first for 2-5 days, then it was 2 weeks, the last time it was 2 months, and as I've had no other outlet, and nobody willing to see the truth, mind you the truth she won't deny, but as everyone is busy ripping me a new one, and the most retaliation as she called it, has only resulted in her having to come clean to certain neighbors, but she has a gaslighting way about her, where, and it will probably happen to you too, as because what I've told you here is as close to 100% accurate as I could ever come, and the fact I have every superlative still on Facebook and/or text, why is it nobody has told her squat about what she's done to me, and for so long, and knowing the story, no clergy is telling her it's only right for her to be willing to answer a few questions, but they're sure quick to berate me for not simply “letting it go”, and seem incredulous even knowing the story that I would need closure. It seems obvious to me something is not right with this picture.

And blessings to the wise, who know to be thought a fool while keeping ones mouth shut, is a far better thing that to open one's mouth thus removing all doubt.