How we got here.. How to get home?

Why u text then block? Kinda lame ya know? (My goodbye)

 This email was written long before I had any clue what cluster b was, narcissists were people who looked in the mirror all the time and loved themselves, and were selfish and self centered.

This email is not in the least altered, I copied and pasted it from my gmail account.
I'd appreciate feedback as to what person does it sound like this is sent to?

Thanks

I was a Bible teacher when she targeted me, and she did so to cause me to fall, as she always did, but now she married this guy who believes not only is she capable of love, but that she loves him. I have already showed him enough love bombing of me to choke an alligator, but he's a stubborn guy,, and seriously who wants to believe the were chosen for marriage as part of a huge sociopath production.

Sorry Mike, deal with it homey, I have been for the past 3 years, now just be glad when you get your personal shitstorm, you'll know what it is, because you had me trying to save your stubborn ass for months, but oh well, at least wear a rubber, because she is also incapable of fidelity, and more so of being honest.

 

 

Paul Nunyabzns	2/1/16
to blessingallaro.

 How about you unblock one number so I can point out just how flawed your thinking is on just about everything at this point?

 

Joy comes from God, therefore man cannot as you put it "suck the joy" right out of you. More likely it's not joy, but happiness and that is why it so easily comes and goes, because like you, it is completely dependent on your mood.

 

Same for peace, as they are both within the fruit of the Spirit, so you better check yourself if you believe man has the ability to take something only God can give.

 

In the same way no man can take your peace, no man can give you a headache.

 

I AM COMPLETELY LUCID AS I WRITE_______________

 

If you are reading this, I want you to know in the last 2 days you showed me just how juvenile you can really be.

In all but the physical age aspect.

On a spiritual level, you're yelling and cussing at me, and saying any terrible thing you can think of.

But my Bible says we don't wrestle against flesh and blood, it also says many other things about how we speak to one another, and it seems you have no use for in your brand of church goer I guess.

 

You love grace and mercy for you, but if someone hurts you, whether intentional or not, you will believe it was their goal regardless. You want JUSTICE which means judgment for them, but if you ever did any heinous thing (AND YOU HAVE),  you would cry out for mercy. We all do.

Jesus said BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL FOR THEY SHALL OBTAIN MERCY.

He had something to say about the self centered who always look for someone to blame too.

You don't hate me, you hate you, because even you know it's foolish to hate me, as I don't make your choices for you. You think of all the nasty and dirty kinky things we did and it makes you furious.

I'll tell you what, you don't get this other centered introspective thing going pretty quick in your life, you WILL do it again.

Don't forget, this didn't start with me.

 

That said, before I go any further and on the off chance you are actually reading this, I don't want you to miss this.

 

Every harsh uncaring word you spoke to me, every cutting remark, every empty promise, every inconsideration, every put down, every affirmation you promised and didn't deliver, every slight, every insult, every head game, every unnecessarily mean or unkind response, every ill thought, every dirty look, every sarcasm, every put down, every devaluing  of me as a man, as a child of God and as a person, every blame you laid on me,  every accusation you leveled on me, absolutely every wrong you've ever done me, I FORGIVE YOU COMPLETELY and I release you from it!

 

I would appreciate you reading the rest, and I have no way of knowing if you do or not, but I'm kind of afraid for you.

 

 

You've said over and over that your back to who you were and back to the place you were.

Is who you were the same angry, projecting,inconsistent, fault finding and self centered person I've watched you become more and more over the last year?

Is who you were the same person who blames all their choices and consequences on someone else, or circumstances, or deception.

 

This idea you were somehow deceived is just utter nonsense for a few reasons, (unless you mean you deceived yourself) but mostly because you're just speaking christianese, as there are no accounts of Christian believers being deceived (except when Paul says "sin" itself deceived him)in the Bible we have, and of course I'm referring to only the NT
This assertion by Paul is also in reference to the law in Rom 7

Sorry to burst your superiority bubble but it's true, look it up.

Believers IN Christ are LED AWAY AND ENTICED by what, the devil? NO, by their OWN DESIRES.

Our daily battle is against the world the flesh and the devil.

All I hear come from you is the devil this and the devil that, but at the same time you make reference to your flesh, but give it no culpability

So give it a rest for a minute ms know it all, and KNOW this one thing, until you're more interested in the changes God wants to make in you for effectiveness in interpersonal relationships, you will NEVER see yourself.

Until you get introspective FIRST and look for outward influences AFTER, you will NEVER be the spiritual giant you wanted me, and I'm sure others to see.

But here's a simple truth, nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

 

Also, what is this  "place" your back to? a few months before you met me and we started to doing the skype sex thing not long after, you were doing basically the same thing with Mark, and some guy kevin, a few months before, and before that you were in prison. It must be prison you're referring to.

 

The sanctimonious crap is just sickening. We stopped studying the Bible because you didn't want to. We stopped doing the skype sex because you wanted to.

We started it again, because you wanted to.

Everything we've done in this time has been BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO, not because you were deceived. GROW UP SPIRITUALLY.

As I've said and will maintain, I didn't care what we were doing as long as I got to spend time with you, and as I've also maintained I loved the sex with you too, but then you'd get really mad for a few days, and believe and try to get me to believe with you that it was all my fault, and didn't matter if you'd just pulled your top up and asked if I wanted to see, or if I was asking to see your belly, both instances in your mind were completely my fault because EVERYTHING came down to the spiritual leader in the relationship.

Didn't matter if I'm sitting there with an open Bible starting to read and when I get a few paragraphs in to some devotion or whatever, and am asking questions, you're playing with yourself, nope. Still all my fault for being a poor spiritual leader.

 

ANYWAY I'M DONE WITH U AND UR CRAP.... I really loved you, and as I told you this was NEVER based on anything you do or don't do, but the choice I made to love you.

I CAN DO NOTHING about your notions and ideas that feed you from your own mind, and I will NO LONGER try.

 

If you're actually even reading this, I know you're all cocky, or laughing or something.

Being as young and incredibly immature as you are, you really don't understand love, and this is why you were able to so easily take everything I ever did expressly for you without considering what it meant, and rather took them and me for granted.

This is also why it's so easy for you to say things you don't mean, and in some cases don't really know the meaning according to general consensus.

 

You see people as disposable as most kids do, much like toys of a sort, and toys don't have opinions or emotions.

This is why I believe you act so incredulous when a person with feelings isn't thrilled with something you've said or done and not considered them or their worth at all.

 

This is why you really have no actual concept of love and that it is NOT  feeling, but a choice that is to wayyyyy outlast the feeling, as feelings change, love however does not.

I do NOT BELIEVE you will meet another who will actually LOVE u with the commitment and desire I had.

I'd have done anything just to see you smile.

 

I think that's about it for me, and I truly do hope you get a freaking clue, because people shouldn't have to be scratching their heads about your actions, or the incredibly harsh words you toss out of your mouth with zero thought.

 

I've witnessed on numerous occasions you call your kids STUPID, and that is just completely unacceptable.

 

So, if spiritual growth really is your goal, get busy with the basics, and I think it's great if you're actually praying as much as you say. I don't know, I only know you blamed me for not taking the time before.

 

I  ask you remember only one thing THE GREATEST OF THESE IS AGAPE!

 

In ALL of our conversations since I told on us for having  sex, you have been only cold, cutting and unforgiving. AGAPE flows, and like compassion it does NOT pick and choose who is worthy to receive it. This is probably why Jesus said to even AGAPE your enemies.

Don't fool yourself into thinking you are or have something you may not. Instead ask, plead beg God if necessary for an actual compassionate heart, because without it, no matter what you may be DOING for the body of Christ, you are NOT "BEING" the hands and feet of Jesus.

Forgive and be forgiven, and in the same measure you do this, it will be done to you.

 

 

 

I will NO LONGER tolerate your insults and character assaults, when you are simply obviously projecting, but like any introspective aspect, you refuse to see it.

 

I certainly couldn't stay on your clock and/or calendar and maintain sanity

 

You do things, and you say things in such a way as to prevent you from taking responsibility for your own wants, needs, and actions.

As I said, go ahead and keep your blame on me.  I don't care, and I have nothing to prove except that I am now, and will always be a horribly sinful creature, and that makes me so thankful for the only PERFECT SAVIOR, who died for all the sin I commit, and ever will commit, HE IS SUFFICIENT for ALL.

What's funny is the short little testimony you put up public the beginning of Jan which pretty much echoes what I've been saying to you since the beginning of this incredibly trying time with you and your utter selfishness and self centeredness.

 

So, if you know this well enough academically, why do you have to blame everything either on someone or some other thing.

 

Why can't you just look inside you and ask the hard questions in a conflict, like what did I DO to contribute to this rift? How was I insensitive to this person's needs or whatever?

 

Because until you do, and it becomes important to you, you will NOT be compassionate, and therefore you will remain self centered and self absorbed, not even realizing much less caring how much opportunity you are just pissing away every single day YOU remain your top priority.

I don't give a crap if you think I'm talking out the side of my neck. I just spent almost 2 years daily with you, and you are incredibly self centered, and self important.

Do  you realize how often you say "God said" this or that? I'm not even talking about the what hundreds of times He said something to you concerning us and the future, and then changed His mind, and many times kept changing His mind back and forth according to you?

I'll tell you what "God said", God said agape your enemies, He said if you want mercy, you better be merciful when it's your turn to hold the gavel in situations in life. You want to be forgiven, you better make sure you forgive. You want to be big better get real humble. You want to be wise, better reverence God and absorb His Word. You want healthy relationships, you'd better communicate.

THESE ARE THINGS HE ACTUALLY SAID, BECAUSE THEY'RE WRITTEN IN HIS BOOK.

 

This relationship with you has caused me such pain, turmoil, confusion, my health, spiritual, physical, and emotional

Never before in my life have a let someone treat me as (I don't even have a word for it) as I have you, and I really don't care, because I absolutely love the feeling of loving someone heart and soul.

I enjoy cheering them on, and being there for them, but this is the first time I was such a big part in someone's life, and didn't really have permission to speak into their life. In fact, when I did try to speak to you about something I'd be accused of criticizing you at best, and at worst, you do that thing most teenagers do and say, OK I GET IT I'M THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON IN THE WORLD.

So I tried for a few months, and then as you planned, it became you  ask me specifically what you're willing to discuss, then argue with everything I have to say, try to convince me I have no idea what I'm talking about, in anything, ever.

I say ever, because THIS WHOLE THING WAS NULL AND VOID for 2 weeks out of every month as you know. BECAUSE of NO FAULT of your own of course, you would feel "warm and fuzzy" about me, and horny, and the rest, and you describe these feelings as "love"..

I don't really care about that either.

I do care about this, I genuinely loved you, and tried to help you, and though I'm so sorry about the whole contacting Jim and Brett thing, I really do think it was God's plan, but again there I don't see any softness in your heart, or your words, and that explosive wrath still sits just below the surface.

In fact, after receiving news you'd have to step down for 2 weeks from teaching Sunday school, and I'm sure ultimately something similar with mt hope, you effectively got your covers pulled and suffered some embarrassment, which personally I think it's probably a good idea your pride gets smacked around fairly regularly, as you're quite a prideful person.

Anyway, your heart towards me in this has been nothing but hate, and you don't care at all how it happened, why it happened, or ANYTHING, and without seeing it could have been SO MUCH WORSE and you may have had to find another county to serve in, it has happened to others, but you received grace and mercy in the end.

You want JUSTICE where you and I are concerned, and that concerns me, not on a personal level, because at this point you are of NO consequence to me whatsoever, but I am very frightened for you, as a day is soon coming as I mentioned before where you too will want grace and mercy.

I apologized profusely through many tears, but you remained resolute in what you believe forgiveness is.

The Bible says if I were to go and tell someone personal things about you and said I repent, than you are to forgive me. Even if I go out and do it again and again and again. It says if HE SAYS I repent, not if there's a true heart change and proven track record.

All you had to say about the whole thing and me was "I hate you" "There is no chance for any type of reconciliation" and numerous accusations, and insults, and implications that I am stupid,  a "snitch", and a lot more.

You didn't even bother to inquire of me what happened, or what I was thinking or anything. But that is not at all surprising from you. It's much less effort on your part to assume you know everything, and I seen this is just how you do things, and I'm going to tell you, it is probably the biggest way you prove that you do NOT see the value in people, or their thoughts, etc.

So yes, I'm very concerned for you, because as I said to you not long ago, and it's true. You are NOT an empathetic person, but not everyone is, and that's ok. Empathy is to actually feel another's pain, and sometimes to a greater extreme than even the individual. I have witnessed opportunity to see this in you, and I'm sure if you were one of the empathetic I'd have seen it. I know you've seen it in me, as it isn't something you choose. It is a gift from God, and so when certain things happened to you or one of your kids, that caused pain, I could feel it. I could give specific examples, but it really doesn't matter.

But, if you claim Christ, actual COMPASSION, which actually means to SUFFER WITH, should FLOW out of me, you, and every true believer, it is from agape, so it doesn't pick and choose who is worthy of compassion, or forgiveness.

 

I do pray for your sake, and especially your beautiful children's sake that you do whatever it takes to know that whether it's me or your ex husband, or Joe Smoe down the road, you know that the love of Christ compels you to kindness, and the same to know what forgiveness really looks like and what it does for everyone involved. I pray also the wrath and bitterness that is in you will DIE and be replaced with knowledge of God and the power of the Holy Spirit. I pray for you to have a true desire for humility and to see the value in each and every person with whom you come in contact, whether me, your ex husband, or a pushy telemarketer.

 

I also pray for me, that my heart not become bitter and that I don't see the time I spent with you as little more  than a waste, and that somehow God will  see to it I will receive word from time to time as to your state, your growth, and what God is doing in and through you.

I also pray though my heart is so severely broken, and more so as I saw so clearly what's behind your eyes, and mouth that so easily spits harsh words like venom; if there is anything praise worthy in this time, that I will think on that.

I pray for the hearts of the children, and that somehow as they grow I get to see from a distance, and I do pray you provide constant and consistent structure and discipline they can count on with healthy fear, and I pray you stop yelling at them, and in speaking calmly the respond.

 

 

Well, that's it for me, and whether you believe or understand it or not, I love you ALL now, and will love you ALL forever

 

I spent a lot of time writing this, and I've asked God that you will read it if any part of it will be used to bring you to the place you need to be for the glory of God and the good of His people.