Monday, June 26, 2017

I can’t tell you how many times this leopard has tried to swap his spots for stripes, but it just doesn’t happen, and now I know why, because it isn’t supposed to. Have you not realized no matter how harsh or egregious the abuse and/or treatment others subject us to ultimately either gets brushed off, or is assimilated by us, but NEVER after we’ve healed do we even realize the inordinate level of abuse it was? In speaking to assorted therapists over the years, I’m inevitably told the following; “It is amazing, or (a miracle) you haven’t killed yourself or someone else, if all you’ve been telling me is true.” Yet in retrospect, when I try to see how horrible it was (though at the time and in the aftermath it is quite crippling, as we are such emotional creatures), but down the road, though the event is ever present in my case, because of eidetic imagery, the caustic harmful behavior has no more effect.”
Being an empath is unlike anything, especially when we learn what it means, what the implications are, and embracing all of it, the positive and the negative, we can navigate our way through anything, while healing those we’re to heal, avoiding the FEW we’re to avoid, and I now am completely convinced, as we are dispatched to the demons in human skin, who have abject control over the once innocent host where they dwell of from which vessel they wreak havoc, to show unconditional love, and resolve to the emotionally defunct and sorely deficient of any positive or helpful coping skills, as from the time they welcomed the nefarious entity under the guise of “I’ll be your friend and never leave you.”, which was the exact thing the abjectly abused and/or neglected innocent baby needed to hear in order to make way for the opportunistic demon, who from that day to this day, has both reared the child in the image of its father, the devil and exacted control over the innocent many years ago. Still, the Creator in great mercy sends the empath to show unfeigned genuine care, and and absolutely safe environment, to give the now well trained, and no longer innocent, yet not by any real ability to choose, being so young when this all began, allowing them to get real, and seize this opportunity for escape from their prison, by way of dispatching of the sinister freeloader within. Sadly it seems, human nature is becoming exponentially less human and aligning itself with the sinister ones, and in so doing the darkness itself. Still the healing lightworker gets on task in lavishing love, support, encouragement, showing themselves to be the prisoner’s number one fan, and as heartbreaking as it is, we have to watch, completely aware at this point, as the Cluster B intentionally chooses to attempt to play, con, get over on love itself. Love, however, is far too pliable, yet as rigid as a stone to be toyed with in that way, so it just remains resolute, hoping to be embraced, even after it’s been discarded, always hoping, and cheering on the once innocent, praying it can find it’s innocence somewhere in a corner of it’s ravaged, and raped psyche, then it becomes all too obvious, the once innocent child, has now abjectly aligned itself with the darkness, as it plays a victim role, and it truly is, but it doesn’t scream and point at the diabolical entity by whom s/he is trapped and held prisoner, no… They point at the empath, and cry “abuser!”

Monday, May 8, 2017

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Part of one of her stories about molesting a young blond woman is below... If I say it's from her, it will be a screenshot directly from the messenger she sent it on. WARNING EXPLICIT GRAPHIC LANGUAGE, NOT SUITABLE FOR KIDS

If at anytime she wishes to come clean, and be honest with me about the goings on of those 2 years, and shows remorse, I will cease all of this activity, and remove it unilaterally, but I know now that's never going to happen, so I consider this a public service, and online community awareness, and will post wherever welcome, and give COMPLETE PERMISSION for anything on this blog to be shared...

I really love this guy's posts, because it is a rare occasion they don't resonate with exactly something the reptile known today as michelle dawn howard deardoff did either to me or someone else, as she is the most insecure judgmental, and condescending shrew many will ever be forced to meet, and look into her dead eyes, and see that fake smile, and sadistic but oh so charming laugh, but don't turn your back, because as fast as you can, she'll be flat on hers, with the one you love atop her.
She is a whore of whores, a deceiver among deceivers, and in many cases, she's karma come back to do some dirty work for something you should have thought twice about before deciding to go forward. She will dismantle you, and you'll thank her for doing so, providing she doesn't leave, but she will, and you'll be no better or wiser when she does, only filled with the same self loathing that drives her to continue to destroy all that is beautiful, and to control all that is in her midst. She is human on the outside, but a demon lives underneath, at least one I know of, and have been sexually abused by that one. She's so good at acting good, and she's even better at pulling others in to her masquerade. She is as vile as her heart is black, and this is why you can't trace any longstanding relationships apart from familial, save one or two true emotional masochists who look forward to her subjugating them when she feels the desire, and humiliating them at every turn.
I've decided to make it my life's work to expose this beast for what she is, and though I don't at this point even know a word, even with my vast amount of verbiage and extremely wide vocabulary to accurately describe all the malice, deviance, deception, cruelty and sarcastic mockery of all things good, unless perhaps, satan. That would be the only one word description that comes close to the truth of this creature who makes sport of destroying the minds and hearts of men and women. Now she's married for the 2nd time, and what I know of her first attempt at this begins with the highlight of having 3 children over the course of the 12 year "union" and not a one of the kids belongs to the very virile ex husband, and not a one of them was conceived during what society deems as "normal" sexual encounter. Traditional sex is boring to her, and if it doesn't become more and more deviant as a relationship progresses, to her that is justifiable cause to go outside the marriage to fulfill her salacious desires for abhorrent, and sadistic sex. Before I get too far ahead, here's his post.

Narcissists are absurdly hypocritical. And they are liars. As a matter of fact, hypocrisy is just a form of lying carried out by acting out a part. One of the more interesting aspects of this hypocrisy is that the narcissist diverts your attention away from seeing the truth about them while making you acutely aware of your own flaws, real or imagined.
The narcissist is very judgmental of you, while expecting you to never judge them..another form of hypocrisy. When this happened to my now wife, she responded in a typical way...she walked on egg shells, and became perfectionist to avoid criticism. Let's look at some typical hypocritical tactics used by narcissists.
1. They have very high standards for you, their children, and others, but not for themselves, and they constantly find fault when you don't meet impossible expectations. Hint: it's not you. They just love to abuse. More hypocrisy.
2. They nitpick your faults and flaws, even inventing some, or worse, CAUSING some by driving you crazy. This is constant...except that they give you an occasional reprieve when they are “dosing you”, that is, giving you a short, temporary dose of love bombing so they keep you hooked. But, God forbid that you or anyone would mention the narcissist's flaws or faults, or bring up something you would like changed. That is NEVER permitted. More hypocrisy.
3. One sided rules...they apply to you and others, but not to them. If you were to be texting the opposite sex, or be in regular contact with an ex, they would explode. But they do it. If you cheated, it would be Armageddon, but they cheat and then say, “It didn't mean anything.” They can be dishonest and a habitual liar while getting furious when they believe someone is lying. More hypocrisy.
4. The narcissist is a perpetual victimizer yet...loves to claim to be a victim and a martyr. Narcissists have constant sob stories about their exes, their former bosses, and others who have supposedly done them wrong. The reality is that they are using these as a cover story for their own wrong doing and so people feel sorry for them and their new partner believes that all they need is to be loved. They will smear and slander these people while declaring that all they want is to get along, meaning, that those people must agree with them and never tell the truth. And, oh, they claim to hate negativity while being the most negative person you'll ever meet. More hypocrisy.
5. Narcissists are like perpetual toddlers, always pitching fits when they don't get their way, and yet, they act like they are the adult and you are the child and talk down to you, lecturing you, and telling you how to act and live. They claim to be “open minded” while demeaning and belittling what you think. They affect being humble while telling you how ignorant you are, and tell you how religious they are while ignoring the most basic precepts of that very religion. More hypocrisy.
These are but a few ways, so what other ways have you noticed hypocrisy in narcissists?

You see friends, the reason I know she's not changed, not a bit, is because she is well aware of the egregious way she's deceived and manipulated me, caused me to spend thousands of dollars investing my time, my money and my emotions into a future she NEVER intended on seeing come to pass.
Now if a person truly went from being such a vile deceiver, into anything else, that would mean conscience would then have a say in what she says and does, and conscience would dictate at minimum, a sincere apology, and true remorse (something she's not capable of) would mean an honest desire to make amends however possible. She on the other hand has decided to portray herself as the victim, and quite honestly that is what prompted this "smear campaign", except for the fact, where she has used nothing but half truths, abject lies, false humility, and of course deception, I've chosen to mostly use only her own words, so if there's any untruth to what you see here, it is because she lied when she said it.

Young blonde girl fantasy...

I am in NO WAY  a saint, but I do NOT say things I don't mean, in order to fill some narcissistic void inside at the expense of others, and that to me is what is so inexcusable, well that and every other aspect to her persona, except obviously her physical appearance, but it too is merely a means to an end, and I say this tongue and cheek, as her body is for anyone's purpose, providing the only ones who know, are those allowed to know, and if her husband knew just how good she is at cheating, and that she will actually dress for it, and in fact if he wasn't so stubbornly prideful, and would realize it wasn't anything special about him that caused her to rush down the aisle, but more knowledge I was out to expose her on a grand scale, and that she's tried to rush us all down the aisle within weeks of making us targets, he's just the first either blind or desperate enough to fall for it, he's probably in much better shape than he'll be in shortly. It's funny, as each time I think of one of her relationships, I'm reminded of the opening scene of the Matrix, where Trinity is in this building and two patrol officers are sent up to take her down, and Mr. Smith says; "Your men are already dead." because that's what it is once she gets her claws into you, be it as friend, co-worker, and especially "romantic" interest. Being an emotional vampire, just as the nosferatu have no shadow or reflection, the same is true of the malignant narcissist, she is relying on the emotions of others to be the mirror, she can then see, and emulate those emotions, and she does it well most of the time.
Whoever is in closest proximity to her, is being eaten, and/or beaten at all times, your soul is her lunch, as if she even has one, it is empty, cold, emotionless, and seemingly dead.
It comes down to this, either she comes clean to me, or over the next year I gain followers, and some who share my "crazy stories" based on the merit of their craziness alone, as NOT a single word of what I share will be fallacious, and in cases the message isn't available, it only means it came through on text, and will be available shortly, or soon after. See, what she did to me, is known best as future faking, and is directly correlated to the "spousal predatory" aspect of her personality disorder.

Friday, May 5, 2017

It's actually been over a year since she discarded me without a 2nd thought, after 22 months, the first 18 of which she spent thoroughly convincing me she could never leave the relationship, and listed numerous reasons for this assertion in various superlative commentary. In short, she lied, because it's what she does, and in fact as far as I can tell, not only is lying one of the pathological traits of NPD/ASPD, but is a trait dictated by the pathology itself.
That said; looking back I can point out different oddities shall we say in her behavior, but as with most personality quirks up to that point, I quickly brushed it off, and got back to what I was sure was  mutual adoration and desire.

I think the first thing I want to do is set a precedent, and what I mean by that is I am going to list Cardinal and Hallmark traits of a person who is best described as either a "female covert malignant narcissist" or a "female covert sadistic, narcissistic spousal predacious sociopath", and I know I've used a lot of words to say "self serving ass", or if you prefer I'll give you space to use the expletive of your choice "self serving ___________-", so what I want to do, as I've become all too familiar with what she is and just how screwed up that actually makes her, is go through the definition of each adjective, on the left and how these have presented specifically in her on the right. However until I figure out just how to set up a double column parallel, I'm going to do it this way, and see how well it works. This should be interesting.

Before we do that however, I want to first answer the question, why? I mean who cares really, or what do you expect to accomplish with all this?
I have a problem with those who not only wish to live a polar opposite dual life, but more so when my "live and let live" POV is encroached upon, and soon I find myself a victim of severe psychological abuse, while at the same time the "C U Next Tuesday" who'd been subjecting me to said abuse, has what seems to be the whole world, if not at least the Northern Hemisphere believing not only am I the abuser, but that I'm abusing the most innocent, demure, chaste, picture of perfect piety the world, or God for that matter could have the pleasure of knowing.
Meanwhile on the same days she is performing the role of humble and unassuming, helpless waif, completely sold out to God, and wants only to have a sweet testimony of Jesus, and that is all she needs to be content in this world, different hours of those days, she's the most sexually deviant, NON gender preferential, sycophantic, depraved, "Hurt me Master" sex addicted, group sex preferring, abject whore, I've ever met in my life.
Before I go any further, I want to make clear, I've got no issue with whores, and if anything I've less issue with whores than I do with a lot of church folk, and notice please the verbiage, I didn't say Christians, as I've no issue whatsoever with any people group, regardless how they identify, but if you are one who is all about talking about it, and little to no BEing about it, that's where I begin to have a problem, because invariably it is this type who  go on some personal crusade to save whoever, their drug dealer we'll say for the sake of argument, and just to make it real interesting, the drug addled addict in this case, is a police officer.
Problem is they know they ain't going to bust them at all, but it sure looks like an episode of Cops , just the subject content alone. Okay, that said, what I do have a major problem with is hypocrites, who either are so blind to themselves, and unwilling to ever look at self, meaning introspection, they are blind the the very core of who they are. Now, it's either that, or they are a whole new kind of stupid, and and I know what you mean, as we're all guilty of doing stupid crap sometimes, and that's ok too, but when you've been on a good one for the last 10 hours, days, weeks, even 10 years, and somehow you get the notion it's a good time to go preach the salvation of Jesus for sinners, I'm of the opinion, you need to sit down, come down, then go lay down, and sleep. On the same token, if you're going to act like a good chaste little girl demure virgin type in the company of some, but with others, you're going to be just as raunchy, slutty, and vocally have sailors telling you to please watch your language, don't expect  me to join you in your hypocrisy, especially when in very short order you're going to shift the blame of it, onto me.

Somehow though, after I was the one to come forward about our, shall we say "indiscretions", and in so doing presented the facts with my full complicity expressed and noted, yet somehow, she's a victim, and I oddly enough have been consistently treated, and ostracized as the consummate perp. ALL LIES. The other reason, or hope I have in doing this, is I'll actually get some followers, and then you, her peers will decide based on the evidence whether or not it is unanimous that she is indeed as I've labeled her, or if I'm a paranoid weirdo who needs mental help. Well, actually, I don't want to give away the farm on the first day, but I'll say this, either this wholesome flower indeed did subject me to some horribly abusive words, attitude, I must confess, under duress, I've made some empty threats more than a few. Anyway, as I was saying if this woman truly is a neuro-typical, and she's the only persob who's could be considered germane in my life, than somehow in a vacuum somewhere I developed according to psychiatrists, and clinicians CPTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attacks, and even some Dissociation, just for good measure. None of that is possible in a vacuum, and you and I dear reader know this is all purely academic, as in what I've written just to this point, providing it's veracity is without question, and I know it  is; If being a cluster b malignant narcissist was against the law in itself, she'd done been gaffled up, and probably doing hole time for getting on somebody's nerves, which to me is poetic justice, because let me tell you, she's got some freaking nerve.

Okay, shall we begin?

The Covert Narcissist

  1. Always trying to project a false image                                                                                      Hmmm, well I don't know about ya'll, but it                                                                           seems pretty obvious to me, this isn't                                                                                   Sunday go to meeting attire. Certainly not attire that lines up with this, but that's just my opinion, you tell me. Let me also say; I think it's hot, and sexy, and fun, but that's not the debate, as we're not discussing a chosen lifestyle (singular), but a fraud, who wants to leave an impression of Biblical principle, but live a life of hedonistic debauchery. Get where I'm coming from?   


2. Always having a grandiose personality
        Well, she claims to have raised her brother from the dead on 3 separate occasions, but I'm not sure I have that screenshot. Now we also need to keep in mind her ruse was that of a very submissive, even sycophantic (slave) woman, although it was easy to tell early on it was all a game to her, as she's ALWAYS done exactly as she pleased, because ruse or not, she must always have abject control of her "relationships."

3.    Getting pleasure when you put other people down   
          This is an emphatic yes, however she didn't do this long regarding others around me, as I wouldn't join in, because as I said I'm the consummate INFJ nice guy, and have just simply never been into gossip. As far as I'm concerned great minds discuss to discover ideas, small minds discuss to dishonor people.
 4.   Having a hard time displaying emotion   
        She can feign/fake any emotion except one that I'm aware of, and I think this is because of such a shortage of it offered to her always, and I'd also go as far as to say all the way up to the point she met me, as she could not comprehend why I had tears streaming down my cheeks, as she would tell me the stories of her being abused and neglected at such a young age, still  tears me up when i think about baby michelle being beat up, or felt up, by some other insidious devil. Empathy is completely foreign to her, as when she was trying to convince me she had high empathy, she explained it as this; "Everyone I know says I'm the most empathetic person they know because I cry more about others problems than I do my own. (huh?)     
Now, either there are a lot of people ignorant as she is when it comes to the actual definition of  most things, and this is especially when the definition simply expounds on something she is obviously clueless about, and in this case, the thing is an emotion, a selfless, other-centered emotion, which the consummate self centered narcissist or sociopath, would have a field day with, as far as taunting, like the owner of what used to be the place I managed,but more so the meaning of empathy or empathetic where she's gonna need it just don't put anything big in her pillow, or in her bed.

5.   Only listening in order to be able to speak eventually.

6.    A
lways taking your achievements a mile further

7.    Always talking down to people

8.    Putting blame on those around you


9.   Obsession with success and power

Tell me how well you would fare, if close to half a century on this planet, and nobody has ever really "gotten" you, nobody has ever really valued you, and you know it. Then suddenly the exact thing you've spent your life hoping and praying would someday arrive, is in front of you, and telling you all those things you've waited so long to hear someone say. Not only that, they confirm it's your answer to prayer, as they know certain things, and upon greeting you, not long after they tell you it was the Holy Spirit drawing them to you, that compelled them to contact you, and they say the silly thing they said the first time they contacted you, the question they acted like was burning within them, the one they knew how you would answer, and then confess to you it was all just a ruse to spend time talking to you in a private environment, as this was God's doing and not mans?
Tell me how would your heart soar, as you had the most amazing time of Bible study, and worship of our God together, in prayer and in song, and just in wonderful seamless Koinonia. (fellowship) This person, though 2500 miles away, has already become an integral part of you, and you've already decided it is the most beautiful part of you. Now all the memories of the years of disappointment assault your mind with nay-saying, trepidation is so great, you sometimes find yourself shaking and don't know why, until you see their face in your mind's eye, ahhhh, there she is, my forever love, my storybook, my fairy-tale, my queen.
So you pray and seek the face of God, with a thankful, but so wounded heart. Finally you have it, that peace only God can give, the trepidation, gone. fear of loss, gone. the pit of loneliness that had become so familiar begins to fade and fade quickly.
Then within a short period, begins a deluge of superlative absolutes, but see, they don't seem crazy, but the natural order, as you've completely given your heart away in trust, as they've assured you, and respected you being so candid, when you said clearly; This heart has been through more than it could stand already, and I'm certain it cannot withstand another great break. You go on to say; I will gladly give you my wounded heart, and I ask only one thing in return, please be certain, and if you're certain this heart, my heart is the one you want, then for the rest of my days here, I will gladly give it to you, and for the rest of my life. I am yours.
She quickly responds with, You are EVERYTHING I could ever want in a man and so much more. You are the answer to my prayers. I love you, and that will NEVER change, I look forward to growing in Christ together as we grow old together. I love you, and you are my destiny.
How are you faring to this point?
I'm going to leave some things out, but now the deluge has been going constantly for 1.5 years. 18+ months now you've been hearing her say things like God made me specifically for you. God knows there is simply no other man for me, but you. My children are your children. You are my hope and expected end. God said you are the best thing for me. I could continue, as there were hundreds in that course of time, and I have all of them to this day. A few months later, you meet Michelle Dawn Howard (now Deardoff) in person and in all you took 7 flights cross country to spend time with her, and those 3 wonderful kids, and the first time you met face to face, there was such an incredible connection, on absolutely every level you could think of, but you say nothing, as she vocalizes everything you would have said. Never before had you been so enamored, so filled, and so empty of yourself, as you've poured all of you into life with her. No reserve, No Plan B, No question, You've heard from God, she's heard from God, those you've had praying have heard from God, and it's all YES YES YES. You touch, and it's as if you found the part of you you've been looking for your whole life. Parting as she lets you out near departures, you're already pricing tickets and moving things in your calendar, because now, after a little one says from the furthest seat in the back of her van, just as loud as she can; "Thanks for being our dad!", (Later you learn it's quite common for those who have NPD & ASPD to write scripts for their children and others) and you smile, but you really just want to weep, as between Skype and now meeting them, you're leaving 4 large pieces of your heart 2500 miles away, and somehow you're expected to function, the same way you have, and run 2 businesses, effectively.
You cannot wait for each morning to hurry up and get here, because it's time for coffee and Our Daily Bread, followed with some good talk time for an hour or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5. Looking back you realize for almost 2 years you spent an average of no less than 5 hours a day, looking at each other, and actually talking. You also realize, there is not a single couple you can think of that would even be able to sit there and look at each other for more than 20 minutes, maybe an hour, yet for us either talking and never running out of things to say, or awkward silences, nor do either of you ever even seem to get bored with it. Just awesome, and the love and the promise of covenant just gets reaffirmed 5 10 20 times in a day.
Then she starts changing, as you used to proofread her school papers for her, and it was fun, because she also hit you up for Bible knowledge, and just because she knows you're smart, as she's reading she says; "what does X mean?" You know from the top of your head most of the time, but you don't want her to know you've googled a few of them, but for the sake of transparency you tell her anyway.
Then, the same God who had given EVERYONE YES YES YES YES , according to her, has now decided NO NO NO NO, but she wants to be your good friend. the next month she unfriends you on facebook. Keep in mind you know you've never done anything but encourage her, love her and her kids who she's said were yours, and that you're family, and that as you recall the deluge of superlatives and absolutes, well, they keep coming, but not like before, now it seems they're purpose is to keep you confused, and keep you hoping.
She also sends you real estate listings near her, and discounted flights information. She still says she loves you, but as you've divulged every weakness you have to her in the past 20 months, she has already weakened your strength and all but breathed into your weaknesses and fears.
How you faring, still doing good? Still feeling strong? Still confident in God and His love and plan for your life?
Soon after this, as you really don't know wth to do, with any of it, at all.
You're trying to prove to her that it was God, because the Bible says He doesn't change and He certainly NEVER went back and forth at least 50 times that you recall, and you've read the Bible for over 40 years, including once now cover to cover together with her. So, now you're a yo-yo, and the only thing you have left keeping you with some semblance of sanity or peace is the fact communication is still effectively active.
September 23, you haven't talked much this week, and the fact is she's being very rude towards you, but you're locked in, you have no plan B, and in fact you both agreed long ago, there was no more plan B thinking. She texts you something, and being very wounded already, she texts something else with a little bite to it, to which you respond, are you stupid? You know how much I love you, and how well I treat you, and now after everything you say you don't want us? You're stupid.” To which she replies “I know” and you tell her “So stop being stupid” and she says “OK, can we Skype now?” It goes pretty much the way it always does at this point, much like the first time you finally agreed to video, after months of text, and phone, and the first night, she now openly admits she seduced you, and if you're honest, at this point you'll take whatever kindness she's willing to offer, rather than accept the alternative with all of its implications.
Oct 16, You're on Skype reading something that is related to the Bible, but she doesn't really choose to do Bible stuff with you anymore, and though she said in no uncertain terms God placed you there to teach her, and the numerous times she's said, I love the insight God has given you into His Word, along with many other GOOD PURE ENCOURAGEMENTS.. Now she says; Take your shirt off, let me see you, and don't think for a minute I'm anything but excited and more than happy to oblige, as I know it's that time in her cycle where she is going to be SO NICE TO ME for a few days, nice like she was fort the first 18 months, but then in a few days, she's going to blame me for whatever occurred a few days before, and though she said early on that to her you have the best leadership skills and quality, in fact better than any man she's ever met. Now she goes as far as to emasculate you, and you notice by November she is systematically removing you from her life, but not only you, she is somehow unsaying everything she's said from the time the Holy Spirit “drew her to you”, but now she says it wasn't the Holy Spirit, but just her wanting someone in her life. So, what do you do with the confirmation you received, that you anguished over in prayer for days terrified of this day ever coming, and didn't stop pressing in, until you had peace?
By now though, she's said in many different ways you don't really hear from God, and she is far superior to you on any spiritual level, as if to say you are a spiritual midget compared to her. Now I could tell you in how many ways this specifically contradicts 18 months of her GOD SAID stuff, and honestly this is one thing that makes her look really foolish or stupid, take your pick.
So, whoo whoo? still exciting? NO REASON TO BE THE LEAST BIT UPSET OR CONFUSED, RIGHT? Just a little trifling,, no big deal right?
I'm tired so I'm wrapping it up. November, I want you to come out here and make me your sex slave, and do to me the things I've written in this BDSM story, one last tryst. I'll play my part. OF COURSE YOU DON'T TELL HER, BUT YOU'LL DO ALMOST ANYTHING TO HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE WITH HER, TO TALK TO HER, TO SOMEHOW GET HER TO SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING, WHAT SHE'S BEEN DOING, THE WAY SHE'S REDUCED YOU, DEVALUED YOU, AND NOW IT SEEMS ONLY USES YOU FOR SEX.
She wrote her story, after covertly reading others like it, while you were on Skype, she just ignored you and read BDSM stories while you sat there like a good dog, sit long enough and I will give you a treat, i will speak to you. Though all of her actions are perfectly justified, I guess, one day you are feeling somewhat amorous, and this just one day removed from her showing you how well she is able to perform a thing now she had trouble with earlier. Your hand drifts below the camera, then you are interrogated for over an hour the next day and told how deeply disappointed she is in you. Dec 1, she shows you what she can do now on Skype, and it is impressive to say the least, Dec 14 your package to them arrives and they open their gifts, and she minimizes basically everything you did in the gifts you sent them. Dec 16 she sends you real estate listings for a town 20 minutes from her.
Dec 21 close to Christmas and her and her kids being the closest you've had to, and her also referring to you as family, for the past 2 Christmases and they're so far away, and YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT “IT” IS ANYMORE. You send the following text. A little down today, could use a boost. there's no reply for 3 hours, so you send another text, this one says; You gonna say anything? to which she replies, “You must be talking about the text you sent soliciting words, thing is we're not together, were not gonna be, I can understand the confusion because I keep sending mixed signals but the fact remains. if I were you I'd walk away, because one day I will walk away.” Now keep in mind she's fully aware of everything she's said, and has continued to say, and do. Not to mention it's just a couple days before a Christmas you're spending alone.
No apology for trifling with you for almost 2 years now, and admitting to trifling with you, no remorse, no regret, no apology, just like a narcissistic sociopath. The package she sent you arrived on the 22nd, but you don't really even want to know what's inside after the things she said the day before, but she keeps on you about it, until you give in. She's made you about 4 pounds of assorted flavors of fudge and hand knit you the perfect cap for the winter cold. I gush over the amount of time and work it took for her to do this, then I'm back at the familiar place of I don't know what the heck to think anymore.

I will spare you the drama of the next few days; Dec 30 I'm horny, I wish you were here so you could ______________________ and put as many blanks as you want. Dec 31 I don't know if I want to go to the New Year's thing she says; No, you should go, be with people have fun, drive safe. You're such an awesome guy. I miss you. Love ya. Late Dec 31 Skype, talk about her party with friends, then says; Well I'm going to bed, and it's 25 minutes from being your new years, so she begrudgingly agrees to wait until your ball drops.
Goodnight, text in the morning, love you. You don't respond, and you haven't for at least the last 10 times she has said “I love you.”
Jan 1 10am PST, 1pm EST You breakdown and text, hi, happy new year. No response 2 hours. then Happy new year, don't feel like texting and THINKING ON GOING on 7 day electronic fast. I'll text you later nothing for the rest of the day. That night Skype rings, you're used to the blow off followed by the I don't want you in my life, and as it's a holiday you really don't want to hear that after you've just spent Christmas and New Years alone, so you don't answer Skype but you text and say what are you calling for, ODB? no response Skype keeps ringing, you can't handle anymore at the moment. Skype stops ringing she says; Yes, just ODB, you say, why didn't you just say, let's do it. She doesn't call and she doesn't answer. she says, I'm going to bed we can try again same time tomorrow.
So, you go to work, she's ignoring your texts, and as she already unnecessarily unfriended you, she's just doing her thing, and you know it, but you also know now she really doesn't give 2 craps about you, and you're pretty certain she never has, as you're looking back over the time, it was always about and for her, in every sense of the word. 730 the time she said she'd be calling comes and goes, as does the next 730pm, and the next, in the mean time, you're being a detective and notice she's liking some posts, so this can't possibly be an electronics fast, so now you're pissed, you've been lied to by her, she's obviously got more of a party thing going on, at least that's what you tell yourself, rather than just tell yourself, she doesn't want to spend time with you. You text her, call her, email her, and fb message her, ALL IGNORED, not even a slight explanation for why she didn't even follow through on calling when she offered on her own volition. Finally, you've been thinking for 5 days now you are nothing but a sex toy to her, and it needs to stop, again you text, this time you say, listen if you don't answer or respond, I'm gonna talk to the pastor about you. she decided to continue to ignore you, for an entire 5 days, you feel completely disrespected and devalued lke never before, because you know she was on the computer, she was texting and the whole 9, and it's starting to become clear why she unfriended you on Facebook, again, at least this is what you tell yourself, because it's easier to accept than the alternative. She had things going on she didn't want you to know about, meanwhile you are still completely and totally invested body mind and soul, again she don't respond or answer, so you unlike her lying self, actually do what you say, and contact her pastor. You think she'll be angry but then realize the sex needed to stop and get behind and realize even though he did it out of anger, he also did it out of love. Her immediate response is to block you on Facebook now. And the next time you hear anything at all and from that day forward is to tell you it's ALL YOUR FAULT, and that is where it is today..
Oh I almost forgot, before she said that, she said I hate you, then a couple of weeks later she said you are NOTHING to me!!
since Jan 6 2016, she has done nothing but blame me for everything, yes everything, when it was supposed to be time for closure, she wouldn't stop screaming, or shut her mouth for 2 seconds or let me say a single word, and twisted everything I had said before around. She's not once admitted to not communicating, or to not letting me know she was taking a 7 day fast, or the fact that being on Facebook during such a fast makes it untrue, nor has she admitted to knowingly playing me, especially from a certain point.
So, how ya doing? Ready for people who call themselves your friends to come in and start defending her now, and tell you you're nuts? Come in and say; Dude get over it, she wants nothing to do with you, and you need to just let her get on with her life.
Forgive her, I have, and in fact I've never held a grudge in my life, but I need my closure too, and I've still never raised my voice much less a hand to her. but it's obvious, nobody cares, and the truth is just something to chuckle at.
Feeling super confident in God right now are ya? God works all things together for good, for those who Agape God, and are called according His purpose.
Still think she's a victim do you? I should have known better than to think the very thing I'd been praying for would actually happen? Is that what you're trying to say, that because I actually believed in the promises of God, that I'm now delusional for seeing it come to pass? Seems to me it was obviously a really good trick, so thanks for that too.
Does anyone remember when she said;
"You are the sweetest most genuine guy I have ever met. I love you with a love that will NEVER die and NEVER grow cold. I hope to spend a long life by your side, and continually grow in Christ with you. You are my prayers come to pass. I love you my dearest Paul and will cherish you ALL my days." THAT'S BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE, and is still true today, I am very genuine.
Remember when she said she wasn't the victim here? THAT'S BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE!
So, why so many of you attack me, as though I did something wrong because I believed God answered my prayers? WHAT AN ASS I AM FOR DOING THAT, WHAT A JERK!
You all didn't have a clue, even after I told you exactly what happened, it wasn't true by your estimation, so it didn't and it doesn't matter what anyone says about anything, people believe what they choose, or have it in them to believe.
But Agape only comes to those who TRULY believe, and they are ALWAYS kind to EVERYONE.
So that's my story, and I'd really like some honest answers on how you would fare. It's only right for me to tell you, after she BLOCKED me on Facebook, which also was unnecessary, I in turn contacted someone else about the real _______________, and if ANYONE can't see she's the one who caused this, I think you've created an unhealthy bias, or maybe there's too much pride to admit just maybe you don't know her quite the way you thought you did.
Emails like this to her other pastor were ignored at first for 2-5 days, then it was 2 weeks, the last time it was 2 months, and as I've had no other outlet, and nobody willing to see the truth, mind you the truth she won't deny, but as everyone is busy ripping me a new one, and the most retaliation as she called it, has only resulted in her having to come clean to certain neighbors, but she has a gaslighting way about her, where, and it will probably happen to you too, as because what I've told you here is as close to 100% accurate as I could ever come, and the fact I have every superlative still on Facebook and/or text, why is it nobody has told her squat about what she's done to me, and for so long, and knowing the story, no clergy is telling her it's only right for her to be willing to answer a few questions, but they're sure quick to berate me for not simply “letting it go”, and seem incredulous even knowing the story that I would need closure. It seems obvious to me something is not right with this picture.

And blessings to the wise, who know to be thought a fool while keeping ones mouth shut, is a far better thing that to open one's mouth thus removing all doubt.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Truth writes itself better than any novel ever could my friends.
Sadly it didn't end with me, and just a year after discarding me, she married a very vulnerable man, and it's obvious from the pictures he was pushed hard and fast down the aisle, and I've been trying to speak only common sense to him for the last 3 months, but he's definitely trapped in her spell, and being counseled by other key players in her production... I will keep you updated, and though I won't show you the wedding pictures, I will show you things the narc doesn't realize she does, such as in the wedding photo, where it is customary to after weaving your arms together, to grasp the bicep of the man, she however clinches her fist. This is because as you'll read below, she's not in it for love, other than the love of unlimited supply she believes is imminent. She however is incapable of "love" as he I'm sure, as I was is looking forward to, but hey, if you're a good lover, she is too. She is after all only a reflection of what others portray, so if you suck in the sack my friend, don't expect fireworks, and if you don't sparkle when you shnarkle, that will only mean more lovers on the side she's going to keep hidden from you. I do have to say on the walks we took together, when she'd weave our arms together, she always grabbed my bicep, hmmm.   Ahhh, narc love, I remember it well...
don't want to hold u really
I’ve got to stop her, it has to end with me. I know the truth, and the truth is the closest I ever came to being abusive was kissing her ass, and treating her like a queen. Unless of course she considers me outing her, and I, as I also confessed my abject complicity to the non-stop, and increasingly deviant sex, but my decision came only after she’d said; “I’ll call you tomorrow at this time.”, within the next 4 days, I sent 4 texts, then according to her I acted irrationally, but according to every psychiatric resource I’ve read, my response actually took longer than most, as on day 5 I began to tell her how I felt about the Houdini she’d pulled, and that I want and deserve an explanation, she didn’t even bother to respond, and of course the whole time I’m observing bau activity online. Finally that evening, I did the ultimatum thing and told her plainly if she didn’t give me some type of indication, I would be contacting her pastor, and I’d never given her reason to question anything I’d said before, as I am a person who wouldn’t have bothered saying it, if I didn’t mean what I said. Nothing in return, so I contacted her pastor, her response; block me. I’ve given her well over a year now to do the right thing, and as I am absolutely certain she is a malignant narcissist, with all the covertness, and feigned Christianity, and altruism of the Nosferatu who lives beneath the bell tower, with the integrity of warm jello, and the empathy of a defunct toaster, yet somehow it seems the entire church congregation sees her as a helpless waif. I wonder if this would be the case if they got a glimpse at 1 of the numerous videos she sent me of her pleasuring herself, many recorded within hours of her feeding off secondary supply during one of the many services or programs at the church-house. How is it so many haven’t even as a natural response to time and circumstance connected the dots so mammoth, they actually at this point serve as an obstruction of any critical thinkers view of the reality.
I must stop her, as I was successful after 8 months of finding her current primary source, and it is as I’d expected. It’s no secret that APD/NPD individuals seek out any and all positions, that come with a sense of control, be it real or imaginary, and many of this type flock to become “drug counselors”, and when she first made this desire known to me, I thought it admirable, now as hindsight is always 20/20, it’s clear her objective has always been to have an unquestioned, unlimited, and completely unfettered, inexhaustible source of narcissistic supply under the guise of drug and alcohol counselor. I knew back then “where” she wanted to have the position, and in typical opportunistic sociopath style, she’s got her hooks in a very simple guy, who none I know of would consider attractive, but he has 7 years seniority at the institution she’d said long ago she’s going to have her practice. He doesn’t have a clue, because as I did, he has his head so far up her butt, he can’t hear any voice but hers, nor can he see what’s prodigiously in front of his eyes, and as she chose him not only to have her resume land on top of the pile, but for his homeliness, as he doesn’t want to hear this gorgeous sex freak is going to systematically dismantle his psyche, nor does he question why she is just as anxious as he to get to the altar, and takes no introspective approach, nor is cognizant that NO 2 people are as alike as her perfect mirroring has conned him into believing, in every way, dream, and desire. How do I get him to understand soulmates come and go from her parasitic existence as buses do for the rest of us, again soulmates for her are as ubiquitous as the flavor "lime" in any roll of Lifesavers, or pack of Starburst. So, what can I do, and I have to do something, as I simply refuse to do nothing while what she perpetrated against me, she does even more so against another. I possess an incredible amount of emotional intelligence, and intuit on most if not all conundrums I face. Knowing regardless what mask she’s wearing now, certain things like being a grammar nazi, truly are a part of her constant character make up, and she enjoys the caustic nature of this particular moniker, as it allows for her to look down on others, and sorry to say, but my “air apparent”, er scratch that, "air presumptive", as I hope to God I'm somehow able to free him from her demonic, clutches, and the already planned emotional trauma he's in no way aware of, or prepared for, in any case, he in affect dropped some breadcrumbs, she didn't rush to pick up, or perhaps forgot how astute I really am, not to mention how much of a pain in the ass my tenacity has already proven to be, providing her not supply, but what has to be an inordinate abundance of consternation. From what I’ve seen he has no immediate use for proper use of your, or you’re, and I’ve seen him demonstrate this fact, that for most would mean nothing, but for her, I knew immediately, coupled with the devil’s daughter having this insatiable appetite for “pain” supply, and seeing his being chosen was two fold, but he’ll not see it. He’ll not see it in fact until she’s pulling out the last cotter pin, that is inevitably holding up the pinnacle of idealization where she’s placed him, in the center of the false world she's created, and of which she's crowned him king, as she has her way with every aspect of his life, and future. I have to do something, and I’ll let you know, just as soon as I figure out exactly what that is…
If you’d like to see where this goes, you’re welcome to follow me at